I am struggling with what to say next. What my first show wasn't. Right now I need to get this out. What I want to say. But I don't know how to say. I can see my characters having this conversation, this fight, but it is like me when I try to explain something. It's me talking out loud working it out, trying to figure it out. How to say it. How to not offend. But that is my problem. I don't want to offend you. Who the fuck cares! Right. Sorry there may be a few swear words in this. That's how I talk.
I love my first show now. Months ago I didn't. It's a story that morphed into a show. It's something, and when it was read for Native Voices retreat I found things in it from the comments of others. I heard comments, had questions and am ok with the show now. I have to work on it again now. I have to finish it. I have an amazing opportunity to showcase it again and I am scared of it. Hence why I am a week out and have been thinking about the next show, the spring show, and not sitting with Wanda. But this next story...what will I write about? I am trying to let this be a stream of consciousness writing, not editing myself. I am watching the television and typing. Just letting the words come out. I'm now worrying that you are reading this and wondering WTF am I reading and why am I still here. But thank you for making it this far.
Ok. Ok. Now on to the next show. I want to talk about being ndn. About this struggle that is going on in my head. This conversation about being ndn. Who is ndn? Who can be ndn? What's the point of being ndn? I caution you, if you are around me and we have a conversation of some kind, it may end up in the show. It has to because it is always on my mind and when I have the opportunity have the conversation I relish it. To get these thoughts out of my head. I am being brave about it. But being still cautious with my words. I keep repeating this because I don't want to let it out. I want to keep this fight inside me. Why? I don't know. It safer in there? Safer for me. People won't see the darkness that my head lives in. But maybe talking about it will shed some light. Sorry. Not trying to be philosophical. Or is it? There I go again thinking about you. You really should appreciate me a bit more as I care very deeply about your feelings. Or am do I? I am just being selfish so you don't see the real me. Hiding in the darkness of my thoughts. Where no one can see me, or find me.
Ok. Really now. Why be ndn? I sit in a room full of indians listening to their questions about the movie Smoke Signals. The hokey ones, the white guy using the word REZ like he owns it. The director making the correction and saying reservation. Was that intentional? I am trying to get past this feeling of jealously and ownership of others. No, no, you can't be indian. I am. I touch briefly on his in my previous play. But I can hear the silent gasp from the audience as they form their quiet judgement. I certainly cannot be the indian police. That's not my intention. I'm just telling you, you cannot, are not indian. I need to say the ugly things. Get them out there in the world, right?
Ok, I may be ready to write. It's a start right. Now let's talk character and 10 minute prompts. Need to edit for the week!