I can’t tell you the last time I saw her. I am trying to remember our last face to face encounter and I can’t. I can recall certain stories about her adventures, or how she would react in a certain situation, but I can’t remember the last time we were in the same room together.
I wish she were here. When we were out together she was fearless, never questioning or wondering what to do next. She was my rock, my strength, the person who wouldn’t have to be dared to do anything, you would just be sitting there thinking “wouldn’t that be cool if someone…” and you turn around there she was doing it.
I miss her. I don’t know when we lost touch. I want to remember the moment I lost her, because I dwell in it’s aftermath daily. I want this pain to go away. I remember when we were little when things wouldn’t be going my way, you know when your parents aren’t letting you do what you want to do or they’re not buying you that pair of jeans you must absolutely need to have, I would just want to run away. I had a bag that was constantly packed, tucked in the corner of my closet. I would imagine my adventures as if I was a little hobo her bag on a stick wandering the country walking on the side of the road, a sunny day, tall grass would be blowing in the wind as I marched to my next adventure. I would want to run away to teach all those people who are ignoring me, or think I’m not worth it a lesson. I would show them! That’d teach ‘em, to dismiss me. But I never left. I never hurt myself. I just carried on. Wanda was there with me, letting me know how stupid I was for wanting to do it, laughing at me, telling me that if I were to do it, it would not be like one of those afterschool specials we watch every Saturday afternoon after a morning of cartoons.
I miss her. I just realized it. I don’t know who I am without her. Wait, I do, I’m nothing, I am a ship drifting at sea, no motor, no utter, no sail. I spend my days riding the waves, letting the wind and tides rule me and have their way with me. I have things I’d like to do, but I can’t reach the shore. I see it in the distance, a different shoreline everyday. A different possible adventure, but I can’t reach it. Should I jump out and swim?
I miss her…The day we met is like a lifetime ago. We were at a track meet, I think we raced each other in the 100 meter dash, she beat me of course. She was fast! She was everything I wanted to be and everything I wasn’t.
We were in grade 8 at the time, kings of the playground. She had a presence about her.
Why I feel that I am drifting with the tide and the wind?
Question to others:
- Do you see Wanda?
- Does it sounds like I’m talking to myself?