Therapy session with Liz today was good. We narrowed it down and figured out that I am afraid of dying. She used the example of a married couple in group, the wife was getting pissed off at the husband because he wouldn’t take out the trash, but she never really got mad about it, because she thought if she did, he would leave her. So Liz asked, yeah so, what’s the worst that could happen? Well she said, she would be alone. Liz: yeah and what’s bad about that? The wife just blurted out without thinking I’ll die.
So, we’re almost done with session, and we’re talking about how I really don’t want to take any medication to make me feel better. She said fine, as long as I’m not suicidal or anything. And I finally told someone. No, I’m not suicidal, but I do think about just leaving, or hurting myself. So we explored that. What would I do when I left, where would I go. And you know what, I never thought about it, I’d always had my bags backed, but I never thought about where I would go. So here we were, where do I go when I leave. So I say the first thing that comes into my head. The Beach. What do I pack? My computer, I don’t really need a book, I can buy that wherever I get to. So my bathing suit, some shorts, and there you have it. Just sit there and not do a damn thing. Then she asked what I would do about my sister or my husband. I think things like this because I try to impose my views on others through wanting them to do things, so then she asks what do I want my sister to do? Get a life, pretty much. What about my husband? I don’t want him to do anything. He loves me so much, what would I want more from him? What does he want from me? More sex. Oh she thought, interesting. How many times are you having sex? 1 a month, but he’s ok with it. Really? If he was ok with it he wouldn’t be saying some of the things he does. So she gives me homework. She says, when you have sex, just let him lay there in you and feel that closeness. So this is why she thinks I’m afraid of death. Because you can’t control htat.
Class tonite was crazy, why am I so emotional? I thought I was strong, but the moment we started reading our notes out load, I frickin lost it. And what made it worst, he started clapping, forcing me to talk louder. Why did he have to do that? I just don’t get it. Then after that, as we’re working, we had to look into our partners eyes, and I just start crying.
Things seem to come back to Miranda and how she is driving me nuts. Ok, lets start off by saying yes, I want Miranda to be just like me. I want her to have some kinda clue, and I want her to be thin. I don’t want her to be the big fat slob that gobbles up her food and slurps, and makes noises and can’t dress. She is after all a reflection on me, isn’t she. I just want to be fixed. I want to have a marathon session with the therapist and fix everything all at once.
September 21, 2005
Things lately have been getting out of control. This shouldn’t be happening to me. WTF. I think I’m past freaking out over things. Do I not have everything I want?
I think my problem is that lately, I’ve been analyzing every little thing in my life. I’d like to think I’m OCD, at least there would be a name for it, and it seems that having OCD is the cool sickness to have now. When I was in college, I was in Psycho 101, you know the general ed. Requirement that’s held in an auditorium b/c the classes are so big. It was during this class that I discovered that I may have OCD. One of the symptoms is that you will pick at yourself until you bleed, or you pluck all your hair out, or scratch yourself incessantly. I remember sitting in class that day and thinking, I am so fucked up. Not that I needed a class to tell me this, but it helped re-affirm the problem, not that it made it ok, though.
All my life I have read books and watched television programs about such illnesses. Ok, so some of the T.V. was Springer, which I couldn’t relate to, but it made me feel better because there were people more mess up than me. Any way, because of this knowledge, I was one step ahead of crazy, because I would be able to see it coming. And damned if you know, it snuck up on me. It happened in such an unassuming way.
I had always vowed to myself that I would not be my mother, nor would I marry my father. Dammit again, because there he is, the love of my life and he’s my dad, and that bugs me to no end, so I knew it was just a matter of time before I turned into my mom. FUCK! Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents like there’s no tomorrow, and I do not consciously hold them responsible for anything that has occurred in my life (subconsciously is a whole different world) but I just sat through being around the unhappiness of it, and I did not want that to be me. I never dreamt of having different parents, ok, maybe when I was a kid because my real parents wouldn’t buy me something that I wanted, but they are what they are, and their all mine.
So here I am bawling my eyes out for no conscious reason. Why am I so sad? I’ve been reading the articles in the women’s fitness magazine and one that struck me was the one about being immature. And I thought to myself, OMG this is me, this is my problem. I have always wanted to be grown-up (which I still do not consider myself even though I am over the age of 25), and here I am acting like a spoiled kid. What is wrong with me? I can’t talk to people without crying, I can’t sit there and take any critiscims without my eyes tearing up.
August 25, 2005
My sister has been here for 25 days. And can I tell you what a long 25 days it has been. I haven’t felt this much desperation in quite some time. I know now that there is no way I could actually have a child, when I can’t even stand my own sister. I am such a terrible person, I invited my sister to come and live with me while she was still a junior in high school. I thought it would be great. But hindsight being what it is, there is so much more I should have thought about. I just thought that if it was me, and I had an older sister who was offering me the big city that I would take it. And now that she’s here, I just don’t know how to handle it. She has no concern for me
Ok, tonight was the absolute worst. WTF happened, where the fuck was my head? I can do the fuckin monologue in my fucking sleep, WHERE WAS I ???????? I didn't start out at the right spot, tried to bring it back, and then it didn't make sense and I started to think about it FUCK FUCK FUCK. Then I get to the dream sequence, and I think FUCK FUCK FUCK, I forgot about Brandon. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK that's ok, because they didn't know who the fuck Brandon was anyway.
I so do not belong up here, what am I doing here, with all these real actresses. I have let everyone down FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK !!!!!!
I just got home from my first wrap party and it was fun. O.k., I tried really, really hard to chit chat and mingle, but at 10pm, I realized I was in the same spot I had been when I first got there at 7. I was very pleased with myself when we were watching the audition tapes. I don't really like to watch myself on screen, but I was curious to see how I act in a real audition, so I watched. Phil the producer kept talking (I thought he was just teasing me) telling everyone wait Jennifer's almost up. Then sure enough, up came my face on screen. Phil just kept telling me what a great job I had done, but he thought I was too young, and that the part he gave me was small. But he didn't realize how truly grateful I was for the part, and he commented in the regulars in the bat who also really enjoyed my work. Then another one of the guys that had been in the scene with me also made a comment on my acting. He said it was really good how I stayed in character through it all, like when I turn the page, other people lose character just turning the page, but I did good, He also asked how long I'd been acting, and when I thought about it, it's really only been a year (I started doing background work in 2001, took classes at LAVCC in late 2001, and continued taking classes with Eddie Applegate in 2002, then took classes with AIDA in 2003 my first featured role was 2003, so this is really my first time on film speaking, b/c it was only earlier this year was my first time on stage since screwing around playing Ciboulette in high school, which is true, the guy (Ed) couldn't believe it, he said I had good presence so when I make my Emmy speech, remember to thank the "manhater" people, as well as Paul Parker who gave me the seeds to start to grow this talent, and as well as Jeffery Brooks, who is nurturing me now, and is an amazing help. This was an f*#@ing, f*#@ing stupendous night, I feel so great and I know I can really succeed doing this, I just have to keep pushing.
I sit here tonight listening to the music of Mozart and I cannot help but feel sad....the music is so compelling it just makes you think of how your life SUCKS!!!!!!! It truly does, I think about all the pretty people in my chosen profession, what kind of person chooses to be an actor? One that is truly disturbed, and is in need of constant attention! I am truly a sad human being.
What the problem is today:
Whenever I go onto nowcasting.com, I feel unbelievably sad. all these places want "hot, skinny, young" things. How the hell can I compete with that?