Tuesday, April 5, 2011

In my head I’m 16 on a good day

In my head I’m 16 on a good day.

Let’s start out by saying that no I am not 16 and yes I do lie about my age.  Most people tell you that if they had the chance to do things over they wouldn’t.  Lying bastards, that’s what I say.  If I had the chance I would go back in a heartbeat.  Not exactly to intentionally change the past, but rather to make better choices.  I wonder sometimes where I lost my nerve.  I always had the devil may care attitude, but have lost it somewhere along the way.

Right now I am in the time of life where reunions are a big thing and with the advent of the internet, going back to high school isn’t that difficult.  Have you heard of Facebook?  Well, I’m sorry if you hadn’t before now, but let me warn you.  DO NOT DO IT.  DO NOT GET SUCKED IN.  Unlike myspace where you can inadvertently become friends with thousands of people and look at their photos, you have to be invited or have someone accept your invitation to see what they’re up to.  So all of a sudden after 10 years of therapy you are now reliving the fears of the first day of high school.  “Do I send them an invite?  Will they remember me?  Will they accept my invite?  And if they do, now what do I say?”  Too much pressure, why bother? 

While looking thru all the profiles of my new found friends, I can now see what they look like after 10 or so years of wear and tear.  You can also see their kids, their friends, a sneak peek into their lives.  When I first logged on, I got a few comments from people telling me how fabulous I looked, or wow, I didn’t think you’d remember me.  This is when I realized I am still live in high-school in my head.  Always judging everyone, having an opinion on everything and everyone.  What can I say, I’m from L.A.  appearance is everything.

What makes things worst is that I put my headshots up.  Right now I’m very conscious of what comes up when I’m googled.  I don’t really want any unflattering pictures of myself online, it may jeopardize my big break.  I also don’t want people to know anything I don’t want them to.  I know as much as I’d like to think everyone is looking me up online, I know its probably not occurring as much as I’m dreaming it is.  But I am on IMDB, so check that out.

I’m not as addicted to Facebook as I was in the beginning.  Now I just check it every other day.  If I’m truly bored, then I’ll check it a few times a day, but otherwise its no big deal.  The bad thing is that once I get on there, I just keep clicking and clicking, seeing where I can go next, who can I look at now.

Oh, who did I get a message from?  Danielle.  Wow, she has 2 degrees now and writes so well.  Wow, what I remember of you was that you said you were my friend, but you were always getting me in trouble and blaming me for things you did.  But here you are having all these nice memories of my childhood.  And right now I’m a sucker for that.  Especially if you mention memere.  But then I remember how you weren’t allowed in the house because you got me trouble again.  Sure we’ll get together when I go thru town.

Next message….”I'm surprised you remember me, good to see ya, you still look the same,hope all is well!!!!!!!!!!!”  Yes of course I remember you, how could I forget you