Tuesday, April 5, 2011

the day the world ended

I always thought the expression, "Life imitates art", was just that, an expression.  It wasn't until I saw the movie MY BEST FRIENDS WEDDING that I knew there was more to the world than my narrow view of it.

May 30, 1998
I always said my life was like "My Best Friend's Wedding", but I never thought it would happen so soon.
            This is my letter to Shannon, who'll one day read this, just not now.  I think I've had a crush on you since our KFC days, but it just never seemed right and I thought when Mike broke my heart, it was a good time.  But that night you were on your way to a party with Tara and what's worst; I talked to her, so I couldn't ruin your excitement.  Then our drive home and our x-mas vacation, I must have been thinking too much of our friendship.  Then out of the blue, you call to tell me your good news just at a time when I was ready to tell you how I felt.  You're getting married and you're going to be a dad.  I wish I could remember that night in Thunder Bay, at the club when we were dancing.  I can see a picture of that night in my head.   It's a slow song, we're on the dance floor, dancing, and me thinking how great this is, how so right this feels.  And I was staying with you, and you let me sleep in your waterbed, while you slept on the couch.  Thank you.  But I think that is a missed moment.  Anyway, this would have been the perfect time, but I was still not ready to grow-up.  Now I guess there will never be a right time.

August 13, 1998
Looking over these past 7 months, I can't believe the stuff that's happened or I've done.  Sometimes I think, "Why did I do that?!"  But it was all good and fun at the time.  Right now, I'm thinking a lot about Rob, the latest man, and I think, "things could be good, but I'm scared.  The only time I really open up is when I've had a few beer in me, then no one can hurt me, 'cuz I won't remember it the next day, or I'll get mad and kick his ass and it'll be over.  One thing I do miss, though, is the wisdom and insight of my bestest friend, Renee W.  My current roomie Renee m is just too thoughtful and pensive about things, when I tell her stuff she looks deeply into the ulterior motives of the person and doesn't trust anyone, even me.  It was lonely when she wasn't around, but I just went with the flow, "whatever" was my attitude towards Rob.  Maybe I should expose myself to more vulnerable with Rob and sober, but this screwed me over the last time, so I don't think I'll do this....

I've reached a new point of confusion.  Talking with Marty brings back too many memories and it just depresses me.

So much has occurred since my last writings.  Renee is convinced that Marty is the one true love of her life, and it sickens me in a way.  How could they possibly make it work with so much distance between them?  It just doesn't seem right.  I've told her that they're crazy, maybe I shouldn't share so much.  As for Rob and I, well it's been 4 months.  I broke down a few weeks ago and told him I loved him, it was of course after he said it to me.  He took me in his arms and said 'I love you so much" and of course me and my drunken state of mind "It's about time you say it until he did and I also broke down and told him how much I missed him, even when we are both in the same city.  How pathetic is that.  I really hope I love him for genuine reasons and not just because he's there.  But I don't think this is the case, I realized after my trip home and to Mexico.