Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Cards- Fail and spilt milk

Cards- Fail and spilt milk

Fail a word that was never part of my vocabulary, maybe that’s why it frightens me so.  It was always be good Jen, run fast Jen, be better Jen and when I did, there was no praise, because that’s what was expected of you.  Maybe it’s good that fail wasn’t in my lexicon, I just didn’t do well then, I never really thought about it until now.

Living in L.A. makes fail seem like an ever-present thing.  The cards show me split milk with clumsy hands, what does that mean?  I guess for me it means suck it up and move on-don’t dwell on it, pick up your mess and carry on hide it, the failure.  Failure is sadness.  To fail is to have let someone down; there is no crying over split milk.  Wow, do I sound like a cliché.  These cards don’t relate to a certain period in my life, but rather a lifetime of trying not to fail.  Keep the glass full.  It's funny how people just expect things out of you, but why did you do them in the first place?  To not fail?  Is failing stopping me from trying now?  Oh no there it is.  I can feel the tears welling my eyes, am I failing at this?  Well, I certainly am full of something.  I want to be good at whatever I do, maybe if I could understand what failure is I could conquer it and just move on.  Realize – “Hey, you’re failure, nice to meet you…later”.

Maybe I’ve felt it before or it’s happened to me and I just haven’t realized it.  No, that can’t be it.  Shit, I don’t know.  Let’s see my definition of fail – not accomplishing a task or is it not finishing a task?  Maybe if you don’t know what your goal is, you really don’t have to fail, do you?  If you don’t know where you’re headed, how would you know if you’ve never made it there?  Huh?  That’s interesting.  Fail is also disappointment, I think now to being a kid, the things I accomplished to what was going in my teenaged life at the time according to YM or ‘Teen.  How odd to gage your life on the masses.  I think it happened subconsciously, it must have. 

Things I failed at?  I don’t know.  Thru high school my goals were the cliché ones.  You know, be popular, have people like you, be prom queen, valedictorian, school president.  Check.  Fail comes into play when I don’t reach my goals plain and simple.  Life is pretty black and white, there is no gray.  The line is right there in the sand.  You’re either on the one side or the other.  No, you can’t stand there on the line, what is this the circus?  No.  Fail lately is just not knowing who I am and what I want out of life, there’s so much yet to do.  But according to my earlier definition it’s to reach a goal, well I don’t have one, so I guess I haven’t failed yet.