Tuesday, April 5, 2011


April 14, 1998
Dear Renee,
My life tends to get exciting in spurts and I just have to tell you what is going on.  So I have decided to start a diary of sorts, to tell you about the adventures I go on.  Now realize, this could day be a book and you'll have the original copy, so hang onto this it may be worth something.

March 7th-14th
Let's start from the minute I left the Sault.  It was a long, long drive out here.  We left on Saturday, March 7th at noon.  I actually drove, which was a surprise, because I thought my dad would have wanted to drive and not have trusted me.  But I was worried that something would fall off, or get loose and I would cause a big accident, so we drove through until Indianapolis the first night.  The next day we drove through 'till Amarillo, we drove as far as we could because there was a storm rolling through the area and we didn't want to get stuck anywhere on the side of the road.  The next day we drove to Albuquerque and stopped for the day to visit a friend of my dad's who lives in this new age area, where there are all sorts of monks and nuns and Buddhist retreats.  But the one place we did visit was the hot springs up in the mountains.  It was cool, because it is spring water that is heated by volcanic heat and hippies go up there to sit and absorb the atmosphere, and they also get naked.  So, well let's just say, "when in Rome"...The next day we drove to Phoenix and my dad got sappy and started to realize that me moving here was a good thing, he even started talking about Mike and how he needed to grow up.  What a conversation to be having with my father, who never really talks "heart to heart" with me.  I put him on the plane the next day and the feeling slowly started, that hey, I'm in Arizona, this is my new home.  For the next few days, I just sat around and relaxed, knowing it was almost time to play the grown-up. 
Saturday, March 14: My first weekend here Renee and I went to the George Strait concert.  It was great!!  But it was also sad.  All those damn country songs make me think of Mike, because he used to play them all for me.  It was even sadder when he sang "I cross my heart,” that was our song.

March 15th-21st
Monday, March 16th was my first day of work, and they put me on an actual project that had a deadline the next week.  So I had to get used to AutoCAD again.  I didn't have my own desk yet, so I worked in someone else’s office and really couldn't socialize with my co-workers.  But by Friday I had my own desk, computer and phone.  Pretty exciting. 
Friday, March 17th: some girls from work asked if I wanted to go out to the bar with them.  We went to a blues club first and danced.  Next they took me to Club Rio.  I like it there.  You have live music out on the patio and a DJ inside playing top 40 music.  This is where I start to count the men I've met.  As we were leaving, I met this cute little boy whom I was suppose to meet at the next bar, The Atomic Club, an after hours place, but because someone in our group was drinking outside the club they wouldn't let us in.  So that was my first encounter dashed.

March 22nd-28th

Work went on,  I was a workaholic, like you staying till all hours at work, but I got paid overtime for it.  My first field trip was up to Globe in the mountains, and it made me sick. 
Friday, March 27th: Renee and I went out to dinner to discuss our plans for the next day because we were going looking at apartments and we couldn't let Marty know.  It was Saturday, March 28th and we looked at so many apartments.  We finally made it down to Tempe to the arts festival.  We walked around looked at the booths, drank beer and listened to music.  Renee was and still is feeling sad and she gets going on these tangents talking about Marty.  I don't mind because I know you have to talk about it, but the more and more I think about it, she's trying to convince herself more than convince me.  After getting drenched from the rain, we had to go and pick up her car at my place.  We stopped by the mall because she didn't want to go home to Marty.  We decided we were just going to sit around and drink wine all night.  I was feeling a little sad and down, cuz I don't have a man and I was missing Mike.  So we went to Renee's, got a jug of wine, and went to sit in the hot-tub and drink.  We cried and lamented about what little boys they really were.  But the next day I felt better and was no longer feeling sorry for myself.

March 29th-April 4th
Work still continues, and now I play on a co-ed volleyball team.  Some of these guys are gods.  You should see them hit that ball, its in front of the 10-foot line. 
Friday April 3:  I went out with Michelle and Melanie from work, but this time I took Renee with since she really hasn't been many places.  We went to a new bar, Flicka's in Scottsdale.  It's a small bar and cozy.  We finally went to Club Rio.  This was the wild night.  Michelle wanted the lead singer from the band so bad.  She said if they sang one more song, she was going to jump on stage.  Then they played another song and he called for all the women in the audience to come on stage.  And who does Michelle drag, Me.  So she was up there molesting the singer, sucking on his neck, what a nut.  Renee and I finally made it inside to dance.  As soon as we started dancing, some guy came and danced with us.  But his friends were leaving and they were getting mad at me like I wouldn't let him leave.  Please, I am not that desperate.  But he did give me his card, he was from L.A. and he told me to call his voice mail and we could go out to lunch the next day.  I couldn't bring myself to call though, his friends were kinda scary, in a mean way.  I just sat around the rest of the weekend, and Renee went to Laughlin, NV, with Marty to gamble.

April 5th-11th
So after this episode, I promised myself that I would no longer chicken out, what do I have to lose, I don't know these people, they don't know me, I have nothing to lose, so the next number I get, I will call.  And that's what happened this past weekend. 

Friday April 10: Renee and I met at Flicka's and talked about how mean Marty was being to her.  And she told me how he was calling everyone back home so the whole town knows now and Mike was asking about me.  It's hard to talk about Marty with Renee, because it brings Mike into the conversation because I feel like I left him behind even though he is the one that left me.  I still do miss him, but you couldn't tell by all the fun I am having.  So here we are at Flicka's drinking away our sorrows, and I had finally had enough.  It was time to go dancing.  So we went to Club Rio.  We sat on the patio for a while then we had to get up and dance.  These two guys came up to us, or should I say Renee's chest, because that's all they looked at.  But we lost them when we went to get another drink.  So we went inside and started to dance.  Renee was making friends quickly.  Some guy who was unbelievably drunk came and danced with her, and stared directly at her chest the whole time he danced with her.  She finally found some Ken doll looking man and was happy with him.  We lost him too though, because we went to the bathroom.  We just went out and continued to dance.  It was getting late, and it was time to find a man.  So we started dancing with these three guys.  Renee thought one of them was too dorky looking for her, so she left me dancing with the three of them.  But his other friends were cute and by the end of the night I was hooked.  He's not outstandingly good-looking, he's plain looking, not really dressed up like the rest of those prima donna men in the bar, just regular looking.  So we slow danced the last song and his friend and he discussed what his telephone number was, in French.  I flipped out, they were speaking French, so I asked them where they were from.  Amazing, I meet men from France.  So I told them I spoke French but they didn't believe me.  So they had the nerve to talk about me right in front of me.  So I told Johan, the cute blond guy, that he shouldn't be doing that because I understood what he had just said about me and then proceeded to repeat it to him.  He was a little shocked.  But his friend Franc, gave me his number and made me promise that I would call the next day.  After making myself the promise from last weekend, I was not about the pass up a chance to meet new people again, but I called and there was no one there.  I had given up, I was upset, here I was trying to bridge international relations and he had given me the wrong number, or so I thought, so I went on with the rest of my weekend.  Going to look at more apartments with Renee and then spending Easter Sunday with her relative.  Easter weekend was very busy.  I got flowers from Mike "the race car driver" from San Francisco.  I shouldn't even say "flowers", this was a big-ass vase with a jungle in it.  So I called him to thank him and he talked forever.

April 12th-April 18th
By Monday April 13, I thought, I'll try one more time to call Franc.  So he was home and invited me to go to the movies with him and his friends that night.  So I called Renee to tell her where I would be and went.  I wasn't feeling nervous at all, like I should be.  Here, I had just called a man I met on Friday and now I was going to meet him.  I stood in front of the movie theater hoping he wouldn't show up.  But we found each other and I met his friends and Johan from Friday night was there.  So we talked, and the movie started, it was a screening of "Suicide Kings" that opens this Friday.  It was good.  I liked it.  His friends sat around and talked French, while I tried to follow, because they talked fast.  But after the movie’s Franc and I just walked around Tempe and talked.  Finally, I brought him back to his office on Campus, he's a TA in the Physics program, he's doing his masters right now, but was offered a position to complete his doctorate here in the US.  So that was my first date here in Arizona, pretty plain, nothing like Chicago and Matt. Boy do I miss him.

April 16th.  We decided to go out on a Thursday night because it's alternative night at Club Rio.  We drank a little more than we should have and I ended up dancing on the platform all night with some guy (there is a picture of this).  Then I had to give Melanie a ride home, so as she staggered out the bar, some guys bumped into us and boy were they cute.  We asked them where they had been all night.  So Mel followed (ran) after them and we discovered they were helicopter pilots from Canada and one of the guys was from Espanola (close to where I am from).  In the end Melanie invited them back to her house.  By the time we got there, Rob and Mel were chatting away.  I in the meantime had been stuck with the four other guys in the other car.  The old man of the group was trying to put the moves on me, yuck.  Rob and Eric decided to stay at Mel's if I drove them back to their hotel the next morning, I said sure.  The last time I looked at Eric's watch it was after three and we had to be up in three hours.  I just passed out and awoke the next morning and drove them back.  I was the only one to arrive early to work.  Melanie slept all day and Michelle was a little late.  Then later on in the day, I get a flower arrangement from Mike, what a Friday.  We then left right after work for Rocky Point (Mexico).  This was fun, but we didn't meet any men our age.  Had we went to the local discotheque instead of 20 minutes away, we would have found some.

April 19-26
Kinda slow week.  Same ol' stuff at work.  Drawing and printing.  This Friday though, I was supposed to meet a doctor wannabe and of course he doesn't show up, loser.  So Renee and I sat at the bar and met some other men.  We met this one guy who lives in Scottsdale and told us some cool bars to go to. Renee is still being kinda stuck up to them all. But there is no reason to be, so after we left here, we went of to Club Rio.  Frank said he might see me there, but I really wasn't waiting around.  I found this other hot man and we started dancing and kissing, then he says he has to go to the bar.  So I turn around and there's Frank and Johan.  Wow, what a predicament.  This other guy, John, comes up behind me and kisses my neck and gives me a big hug "where have you been, I've been looking all over for you?" ya right I thought, but anyway.  Frank is standing there looking at me, like "Who's this?".  Then John and I took off to look for Renee.  We don't find them, but I stay with John.  Boy I am superficial, John was much more good looking than Frank and I stayed with the hottie.  So as he leaves, he gives me this big hug and kiss, in front of Frank.  I just play it off like nothing.  I then gave Frank and Johan a ride home and ended up sitting in my car talking with Frank.  Saturday I stayed home because I was too tired and Sunday night we went to see some bands play in Tempe.  While talking with Renee I have found out that Marty and Mike do not have a high opinion of me, just because I go out and have fun.  Renee says she doesn’t tell Marty anything, but I'm sure at one time she did and then he'd report back to Mike.  I now this sounds egotistical of me, like I'm all that special that my X, who broke up with me, would even care what I am doing now.  But why do I care so much, what these two losers, who'll never amount to anything, think about me anyway??

April 27-May 2

This has been a slow week, just hanging out not doing much.  The only excitement that occurs is on the weekends and this weekend was no exception.  To try something different, we decided to go to Rocking Rodeo, to find ourselves a big ol’ cowboy.  I found a little one, his chin comes up to my shoulder and he is older and divorced with two kids, but he is the sweetest man.  And I say man because the other people I have met are boys, because they are either close to my age or younger.   Renee found herself a cutie with a nice car and made plans to meet with him the next night, but Marty had to foil our plans and decide to come with us, so we ended up going to the Cajun House and some other little bar to see Matt’s friends who were the band of choice that night.  I was an early night.  I must be losing my touch, that or I am attracting all the weirdos in the city.  I by no means want a long term anything, unless he meets all my requirements (looks count for a lot), so I just want to have fun and no one can seem to understand this, asking me to make a decision, which I will not.
May 3 - May 9
This week had a little more action.  The guy I met from Friday night and I talked and we went to see a concert in Hayden Square with his friends.  It was not until now that I realized how short he was, which I have a problem with.  And Wednesday night I went to his house to watch a movie then he came to watch me play volleyball.  He told me if I wasn’t doing anything this weekend to give him a call, because he had his boys so he would be busy.  Sure enough Friday rolls around and Renee wants to go and find the guy from last week because she felt bad.  We saw his car there, as he walked right past us, the nerve.  Renee even waved to his friend and still he didn’t come and talk to us.  So finally, we just were going to get another beer and I told her to go the way toward him and she bumped right into him, what a coincidence.  The cowboy’s name is Shawn and his friend’s name is Mark, from Hawaii.  We wanted to dance, so we drove to Club Rio.  Mark and I took Shawn’s car, a 1966 silver Corvette while he and Renee drove her car, boy am I glad I didn’t drive.  We got there by 10.  They didn’t get there until an hour later.  I felt bad for Mark, like we were just stuck together because of Renee and Shawn, he did hold my hand and gave me a peck on the cheek, which I think he just did for show, but I think I am just interested because he is good-looking and exotic (by this I mean, not some run of the mill person, he’s a mechanic who works at Boeing, he’s from Hawaii and he was in the army(not sure if this is a plus or not)).  Saturday we went to Renee’s staff party, to which only Shawn showed up.  Oh well.  I did get my point across later as they were saying goodbye, because I felt like I was chaperoning them when they wanted to be alone.  So I told him the next time, he had to bring a friend for Jenn.  My night culminated when I checked my messages and there were three from Frank with him saying he didn’t know what happened last night (because I was up on the platform with Mark, just all over each other dancing) and when the last song came up, Frank asked me to dance.  What a loser, couldn’t he see that I was with someone else?  But of course, just to punish myself more, I’ll call him tonight probably.

May 10th - May 16th

Well I called Frank last night (Tuesday) and of course he asked if I was with someone else Friday night, I kinda skipped around the question to avoid answering it.  What difference does it make to him anyway, did I ever make any promises to anyone, NO.  Then I called Matt today, just to return his call, at least he is understanding and realizes I, in no way want to make a decision right now.  Things are kinda getting depressing though, all my friends and people I know, are getting married.  I don’t think I want to be married.  I just don’t want to be alone.  To top my day off today, I get a fax from Renee saying that she told Gary to talk to Matt about me and to tell him to call me.  I just don’t know anymore.  But I do know I am not sitting around waiting for him, after all he is in Chicago and I am here in Phoenix, 3000 miles away, three hours by plane.  What to do ??  So for right now, I am going to a going-away party at Frank’s Thursday night, but I will eventually make it to Club Rio.  And who know what adventures lie ahead.  Thursday night.  What a night, I should have stayed home.  I went to Frank and Johan’s going away party.  I was the first to arrive and Frank was in the kitchen most of the night cooking crepes so I was left to mingle and meet new people.  I went there with intentions of leaving early, but was of course the last guest to leave.  I did meet some other cute men, one in particular, Vincent.  But everyone there knew I was with Frank so that blew my chances of anything new.  We did eventually have to talk and I told him my whole sad story and his advice was to call Mike, one last time so I could know for sure if it was over or not.  I of course went home and was mad at Frank for even suggesting it and I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote him a nasty letter and was going to deliver it to him, but my Friday was a little too busy to do that.  Friday, we (Michelle, Renee and I) went to a fashion show at Pompeii, it was trippy, the type of people there were so different and dressed like in the movies.  We then went to Rio because Renee had to meet Shawn there and I was suppose to meet one of his friend, a large black man with whom he was in the army with, but it didn’t happen.  I did find a new man, though.  His name was Joe.  He wasn’t anything spectacular, dressed in a bright orange sweater and shorts, just funny, dancing all goofy.  Not all caught up in things like most of the guys you meet there are.  But when the night was over, that was it.  He and his friend invited us to go have pizza with them, but Renee was too caught up in not seeing Shawn, that she just went home.  I don’t blame her, she was wired tonight.  Saturday, we had no big plans, so we just went shopping.  But with things going the way they were, me with my manly dilemmas and Renee after her confrontation with Marty about not being around any more, we had to go out and drink and relax, without having to go to our own dreary homes.  So Shawn said we could go to his house.  So we bought 4 bottles of Boone’s Farm, a case of beer and headed to his house at 7:30.  All four bottles were finished by 9:00, when we headed out the bar.  In the meantime at his house while we drank, he called his friends who were going too.  Mark came out, which I think is a waste of my time, if only I knew what the deal was, if it was me, or the fact that he is only 26 and has 2 children aged 7 and 5 that will be coming to live with him soon.  Then Shawn gave me the phone to talk to his friend, whose name I have no idea.  But, all in all the night was good, we got drunk, danced the night away at the 411 club in Tempe and ended up staying at Shawn’s.  I was suppose to call his friend, but as if I could remember the Hotel name much less the phone number.  When we eventually made it back to Renee’s, Marty had paged her 8 times and was worried about her.  He then confronted her right in front of me, and had the nerve to try and make me feel bad “why couldn’t you call me Jenn??”  He then talked to Renee when they were alone, I was on the other side of the door and could hear everything.  What a place to be.  My situation with Frank is still unknown, but I find myself thinking about him, for unknown reasons.  Renee asked me the other day if I found him physically attractive.  But I think I am looking beyond looks, in some cases.  First impressions still have a lot to do with it.

May 17 - May 23
This week was hell and it just seems to get worst.  Renee and I were planning our trip to Las Vegas with her man of the moment Shawn.  So by the time Friday rolled around we were ready to go.  But of course we have to go out in an attempt to find the love of my life from last week, Joe.  To our dismay, it was loser night at Rio, so we opted to go to Rockin Rodeo where Shawn would be.  We were not dressed up at all for the occasion, jean shorts and a t-shirt.  We were approached by a cute man who asked if we were even old enough to be in there.  He had the cutest dimples and by the end of the night I had accomplished my goal of adding another man to my list.  He did give me his card and told me that he would like to see me again.  But did I mention he has a girlfriend, who oh! by the way is a STRIPPER.  Tom was a good kisser, but I don’t think he’s long term material, considering he and his stripper chick moved out here from NY and now he merely considers her, his roommate.  God knows I have enough other men, right now, why would I want to wait for him to leave his stripper.  I think it has merely become a game with me to see just how many names and numbers I can collect.  That and my vanity will surely never fail to get me into trouble.  So by the end of the night, Tom had lost his friends so I drove him home.  To my chagrin, when we arrived at his house, I found traces of a girlfriend.  He told me his story of how they had moved out here from New York and how she was a stripper and he didn’t like it.  So there was no longer any love, she was just his roommate.  Before I left, he said he wanted to see me again and handed me his business card.  This situation just added to my sadness, and going to Las Vegas with a couple sure didn’t help either.  But LV was fun and as Renee put it, I can meet a man anywhere, which I did.  We were at the “RA”, a club in the Luxor and a good-looking man asked me to dance.  Which of course I could not say no.  So we began talking and drinking and dancing and I found out he was from LA and a third grade teacher.  So to leave Shawn and Renee have some time alone, I was preparing myself for a night in the hotel lounge.  But I didn’t have to do this because I spent the evening roaming the strip with Jim.  He was nice in an older type way (he’s 32) and just caring and thoughtful.  But as he and his friend dropped me off at my hotel he asked for my phone number and such in Phoenix, in case he ever came through and I did the same.  We did meet Shawn’s mother who is into tarot reading and astrology.  Renee and I did our cards, it was eerie, while doing the Angel cards and you pull out  three cards then read the book to see what the cards mean.  She said I got three really good cards that are rare together.  Abundance cards and forgiveness cards.  This was weird, because the latter said to be able to move on in your life, you must be able to look back and forgive those loved ones that hurt you.  Right on the money or what??  So by this point in time my mind is a jumble with things and confusion set in a long time ago.  I should just go out and not worry about finding a man and just have fun.  Which will now be my prime goal, but as for next weekend, I am house sitting with Renee and staying out of trouble, which will be hard to do.
(This entry is a little jumbled because I started it one day and never had a chance to finish my thoughts).

May 24 - May 30th

After the excitement I had Memorial Day weekend, I figured to just stay low this weekend and avoid trouble.  My week went kinda slow, they sent me out to the field to look for trees.  And this would have to be the day that I decided to dress up.  So I was gone for the morning, just walking around this neighborhood taking pictures.  Tuesday was a good day.  Michelle and I were walking back from Rinaldi’s and there was this guy walking on the walkway over head.  I was busily talking and I looked up and waved, it was the guy I had met a few time over lunch.  But after he walked by, Michelle asked who that was and I told her simply it was some guy that I had shared a table with at lunch.  She said he nearly fell off the balcony staring at me.  This was a good sign.  So the rest of the week was good.  This was just the lift I needed to forget about my man troubles.  Then there was Franck.  He had read my email and written back, saying that he enjoyed being with me, hanging out with like a friend.  Which was different for him because he could not imagine a male/female friend relationship.  But we talked further on how I found it would be hard to start a relationship with someone who might be here for 5 years then return to his country.  My week culminated with disaster when my life begins to imitate art (RE: “My Best Friend’s Wedding).  Shannon calls me to tell me that he is getting married and to top things off he will be a dad by December.  I am glad this occurred over the phone, because it was hard to hide my sadness, but I do think I wished him well, but I was totally heartbroken.  This right after I spoke with Carol and she told me that James had called her and professed his undying love.  What a coincidence.  Which brings me to the weekend.  Last weekend while talking with Shawn’s mother, she mentioned a book “The Celestial Prophecy”, which demonstrated a different way of thinking.  So this weekend, while house sitting for Dr. Asin, he had this book in his library, so I began reading it.  It spoke of how everything in your life happens for a reason and that dreams and even daydreams push you towards something.  Now being of sound, analytical mind I found this hard to believe.  But if you think back on events that occur in your life, the people that you meet, each helps push you towards something new and has benefitted you and this is what I did this weekend.  Thinking about events in my life and what I had leant from them and looking at the people I have met recently.  I did manage a bit of man hunting though I did not have to travel far.  I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned earlier that Shawn was trying to set me up with one of his friends.  Well this weekend we finally spoke and now we are suppose to go out sometime this week, whenever I call him, he’ll be ready.  Then Renee had this brilliant idea of setting me up with her grandmother’s friend’s grandson, so we called him, and to my luck he was not home, but we did leave a message.  I also began started thinking about the lunch time guy again, and this brings us to this week.  After reading this book I have begun looking at things when they happen, are they just coincidence? 

May 31 - June 6

June 1st, what a way to start the week.  I go outside for lunch, just because I have been thinking about this lunch time guy and as I am packing up to leave, who shows up and sits at my table, what luck, what coincidence?  He walks up to the table and says “I haven’t seen you around at lunch for awhile?”  So we keep talking and he introduces himself as Joe, I find out stuff about him in a casual type manner, like what times he works, when he takes his lunch, it was cool.  By this time I really had to get back to work and I was leaving, and he said casually, “see you tomorrow” and I said “yes”.  So my whole afternoon was all smiles as I could not stop thinking about what just happened.  Here I was eating lunch and met a man.  Something must be wrong with the men around here, if I am attracting them like I am, I average about meeting one guy a week.  So it is now Tuesday and I am getting nervous about going to lunch.  What if he’s not there?  But I go anyway.  So I am sitting around, reading my magazine and he sneaks around the corner and sits down.  So the conversation went on, continued from yesterday.  And it was time for him to return to work.  But he lingered, and asked if he could have my phone number so maybe we could go rollerblading or something one day.  He also told me to come up and get him at work if I come outside and he’s not there.  This was totally weird.  This guy is so not my type, looks wise.  He has blond hair, blue, blue eyes and the nicest teeth.  (This last note is weird, but good teeth are good).  He also dresses well, seems to enjoy the same things I do and is very cute.  So we’ll see what happens later this week.  Can you imagine, all this and it’s only Tuesday?  Well, I meet Joe at lunch and he asks if we are still going rollerblading tonight?  I was suppose to go shopping with Renee, but she’ll understand.  So, he comes and gets me at my desk when he is done and he drives us to the park, because I have no idea where it’s at.  Along the way he tells me that we are going to meet his friends at around 6:30 and it is now only 5:00.  We go to the grocery store and get water and finally make it to the park and go around the park while we wait for his friends.  We then sit on a bench and wait.  We talk and find out more info about each other.  His friends finally show up, a group of guys and we go skating.  Afterwards they decide they want to go and eat.  So we end up going to TGIFriday’s for dinner.  His friends quiz me on my life and are totally perverted, I begin to wonder what I have gotten myself into.  As they decide what to do next, I have no choice but to follow, because I am a mere passenger.  So we go to his friend Brian’s apartment, which is right down the street from me.  I call Cliffy to ask if Renee has called because we are suppose to be together and he tells me that we have no power at the apartment.  So Joe had said that I could stay there with him if I wanted and since I had no power, I took him up on his offer.  We were cozy on the couch with his friends watching movies, but I began to get sleepy, so we went to bed.  It was weird being there with him, considering I was sober (this sounds really bad, like whenever I pick up a man, I am drunk), but anyway we talk and finally fall asleep.  I wake up the next  funny feeling because last night was so strange, but this feeling passes as I see him at lunch when he stops by to get me.  Thursday, Renee and I pack and Shawn comes over for a visit.  Friday we, Michelle, Melanie, Renee and I go to the drive-in to see Hope Floats.  Saturday was the day from hell.  I had to go into work and move in to the new apartment in the afternoon.  Eto has been calling and we’ve talked. So he comes over and helps us move, after I have lifted all the heavy stuff already.  We eventually make it to Shawn’s for BBQ around 9pm and are suppose to go out with Mark and his girlfriend, Shawn and Eto (who is brought along for my entertainment).  I did not want to drive anywhere, but ended up taking my car to get there, but Eto drove us to the bar.  I had a good time we danced, Shawn got mad at me(which really bothers me) and I went home. 

June 7 - June 13

Sunday, I finally catch up with Joe, who has been leaving messages for me, and I the same.  We decide on going rollerblading.  By the time we met, it was around 2pm and we spent the rest of the day and night together.  While we were rollerblading, Joe tells me that he has to tell me something and hopes it doesn’t bother me.  What kind of thing is this to say, so my mind starts spinning.  He then tells me how old he is and boy was I way off.  He will be 21 on July 1.  This doesn’t bother me, I don’t think so anyway.
Monday, nothing too eventful, we meet for lunch as usual and I get teased by this guy Mike who works in my office.  Michelle and I think he needs to be corrupted before he gets married next week, he seems too straightlaced to be true.  I in the meantime and flirting unbelievably with him.  Eto and I talk.  Joe calls me and tells me he is moving.  So I offer my help.  He then tells me that he’ll come over and pick me up in about an hour.  So I gather a few of my things and wait.  I helped him unpack and stuff and saw his old neighborhood where he grew up and met his mom.  Things have progressed a little further and I don’t know how to feel.  When I thought he was older than me things were OK. But now, I can’t help but think, that what occurred with Mike and I will happen again, because Mike was younger than me too? 
Tuesday, Joe drops me off at work, which he goes into early because of me.  Then he had to wait for me because he finishes work earlier than me.  Kinda slow night, I just keep thinking and wondering where we are.  I guess I have to have a definition for our relationship.  When I met his new roommate last night, she told me that of all the girlfriends Joe has brought over, she likes me the best.  So what does this mean?  Of course I ask.  He tells me a little story about one of his exes whom they called the sex toy.  He broke off his engagement in August and has been a deputy in the Sheriff’s Department and has also been in a gang.  That’s a lot.  He also let me go through his wallet and I looked at pictures of girls.  One was of a “friend” in Tucson and the other was a picture of him and his x-fiancé.  He must like dark skinned girls, all the girls were Latina and the sex toy was Phillipinno.  He tells me about Lisa, the fiancé, and how things ended.  We did have a good talk and he seems a lot more grown-up than me.  But I think it has helped, I guess it has made me realize how immature I have been acting and it’s time to be a grown-up, I guess.
Wednesday, Eto is coming over tonight, because he is leaving for Texas Thursday.  I tell Joe that I have a friend coming over and he leaves it at that.  He then calls while Eto is there and asks if my friend is a guy, and what kind of friend is he.  The subject had to be discussed sometime, so I continue, but he changes the subject.  Eto on the other hand enjoys being with me and wishes we would have had more time.  He leaves I give him all my addresses and he wonders how long it will take me to write back to him.  After he leaves I put on my jammers and head to Joe’s.  We watched a little TV, then went to bed.  I asked what the comment was about “friends” and he said he was just being a jerk and inferred that guys and girls cannot be “just friends”.  The subject was then changed again.  So I have talked about men long enough.  I have to start being mature in my decisions and still have fun.  So if the subject comes up again, I’ll discuss it.  I am no longer thinking about Mike (in Michigan) but the Mike from work flirts with me when I flirt with him.  Who knows, he’ll only be here for another week.

Boy this was a long time ago, it is now July 24, yes, the day before my birthday.  Lets try to recap what has happened in the last month and half that has turned my life upside down.  June 14-June 16th I went to Marquette for Melissa’s wedding.  It was a long weekend, but it was fun.  Met some boy there, he was some relative of Melissa’s and had a girlfriend, I just went to drink, visit with friends and try to relax.  I did miss Joe, though, and I hated that feeling.  I was getting too comfortable with him and I didn’t like the feeling.  He did miss me too though, and he called all weekend at the apartment to see when I was coming home.  So when I got off the airplane Sunday night, he was there with Renee.  The following week was pretty much the same, he stayed over, I went there...but it finally came down to “the talk”, he basically said what he wanted, which was nothing serious, I guess I expected, or wanted more, but I dealt with it.  After this point though, things progressively got worse.  His birthday was coming up and I sent him balloons and chocolates, he didn’t even call to thank me or invite me to go with him.  It was strange, just the week before, we went to his brother’s house for his mother’s birthday and I met his dad and sat and visited with them.  This was the 4th of July weekend and he made no plans with me, so Renee and I went tubing and sat and talked way tooooo much about men.  She had just broken up with Shawn over the phone by simply saying “I don’t think this will work” and hung up.  I shared my opinion with her, that I thought this was cowardly, but who am I too talk.  I think this is when I snapped.  I called Joe up and yelled at him, not really remembering too much of the conversation because I had been drinking on the river all day and had had too much.  I flipped out.  I can’t believe it, here I was ready to kill anyone, and over what, some little 21 year old, what the hell was I thinking, I should have listened to Renee when she said he really wasn’t my type.  But the previous weekend, Joe pissed me off, which is when my demise began (June 26), Renee and I went to Rockin Rodeo to meet Geneally and some of the guys who work with her.  There were only 2 (Rob and Tom) but I did keep myself busy by dancing and flirting with both of them.  But of course I had been drinking 5 cent drinks all night and should not have been there.  So I worked the room and Renee left with Shawn, so I stayed with Geneally and her friends.  I had made my decision that I wanted Tom, I think it was his glasses, but Rob was cute too, but some other icky woman was up on him, so I moved on.  Boy could he kiss, I really liked that, and he had muscles, it was great.  But what do I do after this, I go and see Joe, what the hell was I thinking.  Anyway, the weekend of the fourth, we met some guys right at the end and they help us carry our stuff back to the car and we met them later at Rio.  Renee was not impressed with him, but he was good looking and just the right age for me, 28.  But I met some guy at Rio, Keith, a steward with Southwest air and he asked for my number.  The next morning, I couldn’t sleep, so I wrote Joe a note and left it for him.  He called Sunday night and we talked, but it was different.  It was over, a wasted month gone by, but I did manage to meet other people in the mean time, so I guess it wasn’t a total loss.  So this brings us to the beginning of July, countdown to my birthday.  We began planning an outing, and I had been a little down for the past week, but I perked up when Michelle told me that Rob was asking about me.  I was a bit confused, because I was kissing his friend that night and he was asking about me, this brightened my mood.  So on Thursday (July 9th) we went to watch them play softball and things went well, we talked, he gave me a ride home and talked about that night at Rockin Rodeo.  He thought I was with Tom, and I thought he was with Diane, so there we were, so he was going to Vegas for the weekend but he asked for my number and said he’d call me next week.  They had a softball game on Thursday the 16th, but we didn’t make it.  In the mean time we were making plans for Melanie’s birthday and we were suppose to meet Rob and his friends out.  But we didn’t, but we went to Rockin Rodeo and it was close to closing time, and I met some guy on the dance floor and we laughed and danced, he had taken dance lessons and is an engineer at Motorola, so he asked for my number and said he’d call me next week some time, because he was going out of town this weekend.  (July 18)  So I just laid around Saturday and did nothing.  Around 5ish Rob called to see if I wanted to do something that night and we agreed on a movie around 8.  So I finally got dressed around 7 and waited, I felt kinda nervous, how strange for me.  So I didn’t try very hard at dressing up, I was having a fat day again.  He got there and he looked very good, a lot better than I had remembered from that night at Rockin Rodeo.  It was too late to go the movies, most had already started. So we decided on going out to eat and catching a late show.  He suggested Sushi, which I have never tried, so I said why not.  It was cool, when we got there he ordered for us and showed me how to eat everything.  It was really nice.  We talked and drank beer and saki and missed the movie, which I think he had planned.  Before he took me home, we stopped off for drinks at a bar in Tempe to which he and his roommate go, 6 east.  This place was scary, I don’t think I fit in well enough because everyone in there was tattooed and had really weird hair.  We had a few beer, we kissed and I just pretty much stayed stuck to his side.  I made the mistake of going to the bathroom and some large Mexican woman scared me as she walked into the tiny room.  As Rob went up to the bar, he started talking to some guy there and he bought our beer.  Later the guy came over and was talking with us and rubbing Rob’s back.  I just stood there and laughed.  We walked around Mill and eventually went back to my house around 1am.  Luckily Renee was staying at Shawn’s, because our clothes were laying around the living room, eventually making it to my room.  It was so different.  Maybe because he’s older than me, like I me by almost 10 years, but this doesn’t bother me.  It’s just funny when some comments are made, and he says that couldn’t be your generation, I was a senior in high school, and I’m sitting there thinking, that would have made me..like...in grade 7 or 8.  Anyway we awoke the next morning too early, but we were going tubing and I still had to find Renee.  We eventually made it there and I just sat on my tube, not saying much, just kicking back and drinking beer.  He did all the work, which was cool.  Then we drove back to his house and went out to dinner with his roommate to Casey Moore’s.  Around 8 o’clock he took me home.  I asked him if all his first dates were like this, he looked at me kind of perplexed, I told him “you came to pick me up at 8 last night and you’re just bringing me home at 8 Sunday”.  He said it was the best 24 hours he had ever spent.  He held me and told me how he would like to stay with me, but he had to get up early to go to work.  So at this point, I’m thinking, it just a sex thing.  But now I don’t now what to think.  He called me Tuesday (July 21) night and we talked for 2 hours, about nothing and everything, this was the clincher night for me, not only is he cute, but he can make me laugh and I’m not embarrassed by him in public (which is always a good thing).  Then he called me Wednesday to make sure I was going to go to the softball game and made sure I had directions.  So I got to Michelle’s before the softball game and Geneally quizzes me.  And tells me about her lunch out the other day with Rob and the boys and how she asked him which one of us (Renee or I) that he liked, and he looked at her in amazement and said me.  This kinda makes me feel good, knowing I won out over Renee (really, there’s no competition between us).  But we went to the game and drank beer and I brought an overnight bag, because regardless, I was not going home, I was drinking.  It’s kinda cool, you know you’re comfortable with someone when you just reach over and take a drink of whatever the other person is drinking, which is what Rob did.  I then asked if minded driving, he said sure.  So we went to the Native New Yorker in Awahtukee then to Anthony and Leah’s for after bar drinks.  By now I had too much beer and was getting way to cozy with Rob, I know I have to stop this and I can’t assume more than what is there.  But, we drove back to Michelle’s and he told me that he would really like it for me to spend the night.  So we went to his house and I stayed the night.  I’m not quite sure what time it was when we finally got to bed, but before I knew it, the alarm was going off and Rob was getting ready for work.  He kissed me and said how he wished he could just stay there with me, but maybe we could continue this tonight.  I have other plans though and that was this morning (July 24th).  My birthday is tomorrow, and he asked me if I wanted to go to the river with them, I had to pass, because hey, it’s my birthday.  In the meantime, after that 2 hour phone call with Rob, I get another phone call, from the guy I had met the other weekend at Rockin Rodeo, Matt.  We talked for about 45 minutes and made plans to go out Friday.  But now that Friday is here, I just want to be with Rob, but I know this is good, to keep the options open and to not get more serious than what is required from me right now.  So I’ll be going out tonight with Matt, then celebrating early tomorrow.

Well, at least I didn’t expect too much for my birthday.  Let’s begin with Friday night.  I got home around 5 and Rob called to see if I was still going out with Renee, he came to the conclusion that I was going out with her when I said I had plans for tonight.  I said that I was waiting for her to get home to see if I was still going out, although I really didn’t want to anymore.  So we talked for an hour, then Renee came home and she talked on the phone for an hour.  So if Matt tried to call, he couldn’t get through.  I waited until around 7 and no call so we went booze shopping.  When we returned, Rob called and said he was coming over to visit.  Little did I know who he was bringing with him.  He showed up about ½ hour later with Tommy.  What a place to be when he walked in the door.  Obviously he and Rob had spoke, cuz he knew the situation.  So we sat there for a bit, then decided to go out.  We went to Maloney’s in Scottsdale.  Tom kept commenting on how he was the third wheel and that we just wanted to come home and make love.  I told him he could come home with us if he really wanted to, and he looked to Rob for agreement, and Rob said “sure, you can watch”.  Rob didn’t want to make him feel left out, so he stole kisses here and there, it was cute.  By the time we left the bar an hour later, Tom had had his arm around me in a friendly way, when Rob wasn’t there, and he looked intently at me.  I felt a bit uncomfortable, but Rob was quickly there.  As we left the bar, it was apparent that Tom was in no condition to go anywhere.  As we drove back to Tempe, he kept rubbing my arm and just looking at me, he finally passed out.  When we got to 6east, Tom jumped out the back of the jeep and fell and hit his head on the parking stops.  So we brought him back to Rob’s, it was around 10pm.   We got back to the house and Tom was passed out in the back.  He climbed out and got sick a few times then got back into the jeep.   Rob and I were sitting on the bench in front of the house and he put his arms around me and he brought up how I had kissed Tom, in his words “making out with Tommy”, I couldn’t resist by mentioning that he was with Diane and I felt a little funny now knowing that he kissed her, but I mentioned how Tom had been acting, and he squeezed me tightly and commented on how this was OK, cuz I was all his.  We then went and got Tommy out of the jeep as Rob pushed him out and I caught him, he was totally out, just dead weight.  We dragged him into the house and tossed him on the couch and we went to bed.  The next morning was my birthday and I just couldn’t sleep, especially since Tom had to be at work for 6am and Rob was going tubing at 9.  As we were laying there, he whispered something, but I didn’t make him repeat it, just dismissing it as nothing (this will come back later).  So he took me out to breakfast and I wasn’t feeling well, I was having chest pains, so he worried as he brought me home.  We said we would see each other later and that was that.  It was party time.  Having been disappointed in the past by relying on others to plan my birthday, I was not expecting a lot.  So we had Mimosa and started drinking apple pucker and vodka.  We went to Red Lobster for lunch and returned home and sat by the pool.  By 3, we started to get ready, as people were supposed to be showing up in hour.  Of course, this did not occur.  Rob hadn’t returned from tubing, Michelle had her own problems, Geneally wasn’t motivated and I don’t know about everyone else.  So Renee finally convinced Michelle to come out and the party began.  We went to Midnight Rodeo for male strippers, which really is not a big priority on my list, but I went along, since it was my birthday.  My night picked up when other people began to show up, like Diane (the icky woman from Rockin Rodeo), to whom I talk now, Shawn, to whom I don’t care for and Melanie, ditto.  So we went on the dance floor and Rob showed up.  This perked my evening up.  Renee got so hammered, Shawn had to bring her home early, and I stayed there with the girls and Rob and danced.  I enjoyed being there, because I know how much Rob doesn’t really like country bars, but he humored me and danced with me.  We went home and I was out like a light.  In the morning when I awoke I started recapping the events of the evening and one stuck out in my mind.  While we were making out, Rob just stopped and stared at me and told me he loved me.  I was a little taken aback, then remembering the previous morning, the whisper, that’s what I thought he had said, but I couldn’t be sure, and I still really can’t, I was drunk.  But we laid around until noon and then around 2 he went home.

Monday July 28, I went to his house to get Renee’s camera and had every intention of coming home, but of course I didn’t.  He later told me that he had every intention of sending me home too, but me and my “mojo” as he called it, did him in.  It’s kinda cool, just kicking back and letting him do the work, not getting too excited over things.  But I do like the little comments, about us and we or how I should be over there with him in bed, relaxing.  But I am still not letting things get carried away, gotta follow the rules (“Mars and Venus on a Date”).  So we are now at another weekend and Renee is gone back to Michigan for the next 10 days, so my nights are wide open now.  What to do with all this time....Things at work are a totally different story, I just got back from Yuma Thursday and this was a cool trip, but that night Michelle told me way too much information about how others at the firm see me and think of me.  Melanie took the privilege of telling them what a big whore I am.  I’m not worried though, I’ll fix her, I felt so lost last night after finding out all this news, I knew that I didn’t have anyone I could confide my feelings in, considering Renee was talking trash about me too, “how concerned she was about me” but don’t tell me this, tell everyone else.  So that’s why I am glad to know that I have a best friend, who is there for me, what would I do without Renee W.. 
The weekend went by ok I guess.  After being sad at work due to Thursday nights conversation, I brought Michelle to her friends house and was feeling lower than low.  When I got to Rob’s he knew there was something wrong, he told me I had sad looking eyes, and put his arm around me and gave me a hug and said everything would be OK.  I didn’t want to tell what the problem was, because it is too soon in our situation to dump stuff like this on him.  But after when we went to my house, I eventually told him and I felt a lot better, he was the comfort I needed.  But unfortunately, he had to go to work on Saturday morning and I had to help Michelle move.  So I just sat around, waiting for her to call.  I went over there around 2pm and sat there with her until 5pm, cuz Melanie wasn’t home and we couldn’t go in.  So I just went over to Rob’s to tell him that we weren’t moving today and I stayed with them to BBQ.  It was an odd feeling when we went grocery shopping.  It just felt weird.  He cooked dinner and his roommate opened a bottle of wine and we sat there and watched movies, until Rob fell asleep around 8pm.  He woke up a little later and told me to come and tuck him in.  I laid there with him, and he fell asleep immediately as I drifted in and out of consciousness.  I finally woke up and told him I was going home, I thought it was late by this time and it was only 9:30pm.  The next day I helped Michelle move and called Rob to come and move the heavy stuff, my muscles can only take so much.  He was such a trooper about the whole thing, I think I am beginning to like him.  I like having someone call me cute little pet name (sweet cheeks, baby, sunshine...), it shows some kind of caring for the other person and I enjoy having someone next to me during the night and waking up to them in the morning.  Then Sunday night instead of dropping by his house, I went straight home, cuz I was sticky and gross from the day’s moving.  So I put my swimsuit on and was getting ready to take a dip, but I called home and Renee called so I was delayed a little, and of course I called Rob and he asked if I was sitting there all alone and if I needed someone to keep me company, and I told him if he knew anybody he should send them over.  So by the time he arrived I was still in my suit and we decided to go swimming, mind you it was just floating around and me clinging to him like I couldn’t swim.  It was really nice.  We talked between kisses and he made a comment and referred to himself as my boyfriend, so I was taken a bit aback, but I knew it had to be something like this after our conversation one day about when you are always at the other person’s house and your sleeping over, you’re either in it for the sex, or you’re in a relationship.  So I’m glad he said it, but granted, it avoided me of taking the next step and flipping out, but I am just sitting back enjoying how things are progressing, not stressing on anything.  During our conversation, he was mentioning all the traveling he would have to be doing in the upcoming months, between bachelor parties, weddings, getting fitted for his tux and such and then I said, Oh and of course my company trip in November and he just took it in stride and kinda looked happy.  He is just the sweetest, he knows what to say, and it makes me feel great to be around him. 

Monday August 3....our meeting with the big cheeses over me being a whore wasn’t that bad, I cried, said my peace and left, Melanie did say that there were people around the office that were saying things about me, but it wasn’t her.  Geneally came over and Michelle and I went to lunch with her and she was commenting on how we had to go this Friday because it’s Anthony’s going away party and she told Rob that he had to be there, but he said he was going camping and she asked/told “well, you’re not bringing anyone I know with you are you?, cuz she can’t go”, then the other Rob (Rob S.) asked if we were engaged yet.  I so enjoy when co-workers get involved in your life.  Michelle and I made a comment about wanting/needing an EBY shirt and Geneally said that I would have more power getting one than her, considering I am sleeping (her word  was “doing”) one of the engineers.  But this was the end of my Monday.  On to Tuesday. 

Just a regular Tuesday, Rob came over, and we laid around on the floor, he did give me a massage though, that was so nice.  He had to work at 3am, so we went to bed early and of course when he gets up, I can’t go back to sleep right away, it was around 3:30 when I finally fell asleep.  Around 6am, I was debating whether to go work out or not and the phone rings, Good morning sunshine! Is all I hear, “why are you calling me??” I ask.  Oh just to say hi.  It was kinda cute though.  Wednesday, had a VB game, it was kinda sad to come home to an empty apartment.  Thursday, Michelle and I were just going back to my place to sit around and talk about Mexico.  This of course didn’t happen.  We ended up going to Rio around 6pm and then to Philley’s after.  Friday morning as I am waiting for Michelle, the phone rings and it’s Rob.  Of course I was planning on calling him during the day at work and I made this comment to him and he asked for my work number.  So we went about planning our evening out at Rockin Rodeo.  It was a pretty lazy day and Michelle and I were just goofing off.  But I had a project due by the end of the day.  Michelle calls over the intercom, “you have a special call on line one” It was Rob just sitting around waiting for a lumber shipment and he decided to bug me at work.  Friday night we went to Rodeo at 6pm.  Rob was only to be arriving at 9ish, so I sat around with Michelle, Christine and Dave (the new guy from work that we invited out), just drinking and talking, not much dancing took place.  They left around 8:30 to go and see Mike (Christine’s boyfriend) at a bar down the road, so I stayed with Geneally and Diane.  Rob finally made it there and we left to go to Cactus Jack’s.  This was a fun and cozy place.  Rob had his arm around me most of the time, even when one of his workers came up to me and said “Oh I was going to take you home tonight, but I guess you’re taken”, Rob just stood there and looked at him like, “dude, I’m your boss and you’re trying to pick up my girlfriend”, this guy kept it up though, the rest of the night.  Then we raced back to his house.  He asked if I would come home with him, he said no sex, just me and you I have to get up in the morning.  And of course he didn’t make it to work even though we came home and went straight to bed.  But once home, he kept referring to my ex. So I asked him if he really wanted to know what happened, so I told him.  Then he told me his story, how he was almost married and how she broke his heart.  The next morning, he took me in his arms and told me how glad he was that we had our talk last night and that he loved me sooooo much.  I can’t remember if I told him I loved him, because I had been thinking about it all night.  He went to work and came over right after work and we spent to rest of the day/night together.  He brought me to an EBY party, where there were people from all other job site, kinda weird.  So I just sat around and drank all night.  I was massaging his shoulders while he was sitting down and he told me I was so sweet to be doing that, it was just an unconscious thought on my part, it kept me from fidgeting.  We finally made it home and I went straight to bed.  I made a comment about him always staring at me and now he tries not to do it that often, it just makes me nervous, so I do it back to him now.  He brought me home after taking me out to breakfast. 
August 10-16
This is the short week at work.  Back home on Wednesday night.   It’s just going to be a drunk-fest, I can’t wait.  Well, I spent my last days with Rob before my big trip, knowing that I would not see him all weekend and try not to miss him.  My plane got in early on Thursday, so Renee came and got me and I ran all my errands and then we spent the afternoon goofing off.  Thursday night we went out of course, we brought my cousin Sheri with, not many people were out, but I did see people I knew and caught up on old times.  Friday, I just hung out with Renee, we went shopping in Canada and then of course went out Friday night.  Again, I didn’t run into anyone in particular, no Mike, no Marty.  Saturday was the night from hell, what a drunk-fest.  I broke down and called Rob Friday night and he told me how nice it was to hear my voice, we chitchatted and I was happy.  What made me even happier was when I called Matt in Chicago to see if he would meet me at the airport so we could visit on Sunday, and he’s the one that suggested getting together, so of course you know it didn’t happen, he didn’t meet my plane, and didn’t call to find out why not.   This chapter is over.  When I flew into Skyharbor, I had a feeling something happened and Renee would not be there.  And what a hunch that was.  So I waited, got my luggage and called Rob to see if he could come and get me. And of course he would.  Then Renee found me, but she just left.  It was weird, I wasn’t sure how things would be after I returned from home.  So I threw my luggage in the back and gave him a kiss on the cheek and things were good.  We got to my house and he just hugged and kissed me and held me saying how much he missed me.  He suggested BBQing, so we went to his house.  On the way we went grocery shopping, just like a happy little couple.  He cooked me dinner and he introduced me to his friend John as his girlfriend, and John obviously had heard about me already because he asked how my trip back to Michigan was.

August 17-25

This was a quick week too, as we prepared to go to Mexico.  I had stayed at Rob’s Sunday night and he stayed over Monday night.  I was so warm from running around and cleaning and stuff that I wanted to go swimming.  So I just played it off as I swam around and he followed me and finally pulled me towards him and, it was just like in the movies, he held me in his arms and we twirled around and just stared at each other.  At this moment, I just felt like nothing could go wrong in the world as long as I was with him.  He brought his lunch for work and when he left in the morning he forgot it.  So I called him at work and told him I would drop it off.  I was a little nervous, so I dressed up and made the trek to the job site.  I walked into the trailer and Sheila, his secretary was there and yelled back to him, but he was on the phone so I began to walk back to his office and he came out to meet me as Sheila just laughed and he turned red.  After I left she was giving him a hard time thinking I had made his lunch and asked where the wedding ring was, he then corrected her and told her that he had forgotten it at my house and she again made a loud comment.  Tuesday was my packing day for Mexico, so I was alone.  Wednesday I decided to go over to Rob’s on my way to VB and we just laid on the bed and talked and as he held me he said he wished I was staying the night with him and I told him I was and this made him happy.  When I returned after VB, all sweaty, he made to comment of how I looked like a jock and how this was a good thing and it kinda turned him on.  After driving Renee to hell’s half acre and back to drop off her car, I called Rob and he invited me over, so I quickly threw my things together for Mexico and headed to spend my last night with him.  It was kinda late so as soon as I got there, we just went to bed.  We talked about how much fun I was going to have and that he would just catch up on his sleep while I was gone.  When he left in the morning, he hadn’t kissed me or anything, so I left him a note saying “What no hug or kiss good-bye?  Have fun this weekend and don’t hurt yourself playing with your toys, miss you already, love Jenn”.  He kept this note, for some reason he brought it out Sunday night, but never mentioned it.  This night though, I had a disturbing dream and it was just weird all together.  I lay there, and I just sighed and he asked what for, I told him that I was just thinking and he asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about, what a strange question.  Then the weird dream to top the night off: We  were at my old friend Sheila’s house, when she lived across from Robb Rd. and I was there with some friends and he was outside playing VB with other people and he knew I was there, but he still had his arm around this fat chick with long hair.  I looked up this in the dream dictionary and it said that I would be having trouble in my love life or a friendship.  This freaked me out, but I didn’t call Rob before I left, I just left.  Mexico was way too much fun, in our drunken stupor Saturday night, Renee and I made an outrageous bet, that I am bound to win.  Deadline June, 1999, she will be engaged to Shawn and she says no that it will be me.  Only time will tell.  This weekend also proved to me how totally nuts I am.  Here I have a good-looking man who takes care of me at home, and I am about to put this on the line for some total stranger who has a sexy Scottish accent.  I guess it’s my own vanity getting in the way.  Why can’t I just be happy with one man, do I really need/require constant attention from someone?  I don’t think so.  I just sat there Sunday when I got back and watched him.  He invited me over because he was cooking dinner.  So I went over, because I just felt the need to be with him.   Had it been up to me, I’d have never left.  But, I went over and we talked and I told (a little) about our weekend and he began making dinner.  I went into the kitchen to see if he needed any help, but he told me to go and sit down, I had a long weekend and needed the rest.  I felt bad, but it was so sexy, him in the kitchen in his tank top and those tight boxers he wears making me dinner.  He even brought it to me in the living room while we watched X-Files.  In a way I hope I don’t win the bet.  He mentioned how he was going to Reno for his nephew’s football game in September, hint, hint.???

August 24-August 30
This should be an interesting week, Rob has a friend coming in from L.A. and when he mentioned him, he talks in terms of “Oh, you’ll meet them soon”, Good sign??

Well, I spent the weekend with Rob and his friend Butch from Valencia CA.  Our first night out, Friday, Michelle and I met them after work at Macayo’s for happy hour.  Butch was nothing like I expected.  But, we talked and joked around and by the end of the night when Rob had passed out at the table in the bar, Butch loved me.  He gave me a hug and kissed my forehead because I was taking care of Rob as we waited to leave the bar, while he was passed out.  I also had a moment of weakness.  Rob in his drunken state told me he loved me.  He said: “I know you’re probably thinking, that I am just drunk and saying stuff, but I really do love you, do you love me?”  And of course I do, but I was fighting it with all I was to not tell him, but looking into his big green eyes, I saw sincerity and the thought of him not remembering this the next day, so I told him and it made him so happy.  We eventually made it home around 11pm and Rob just passed out till the next day.  He doesn’t even remember me being there, because the next morning he asked “What are you doing here?”  He also let me drive the jeep, cool.  It was strange the next morning he made reference to me loving him and I asked, so you remember that? and he agreed.  But when I brought it up later in the day, he hadn’t remembered so I was busted anyway.  So, we talked again and our conversation discussed the future, kids and how I could fall in love with an American, and personal issues that were talked about Thursday night, such as sex and my fear of falling in love.  I told him that I was fighting it with all I was, because I am not prepared, nor do I want to be hurt again.  And he told me that once I get tired of him in 2 months, just tell him and he’s gone, I reciprocated, by telling him that once I flip out on him and go crazy, just tell me and it’s over.  So we’re in the love stage right now and Butch suggested that we go visit him in L.A.  Saturday, we went tubing with guys from work and Rob made it a point of telling me that he was glad I wore my new purple bathing suit, to show me off, what a scary thought?!  Then we went to P.F. Chang’s for dinner and Butch and Rob ordered for me.  It was another early night again, Rob was feeling sleepy.  Oh, did I mention as I was getting Rob to bed Friday night, that he broke the coffee table?  Sunday we went out to breakfast and butch left around 1 for home.  I told Rob that I hoped I didn’t ruin his weekend with his friend by tagging along and he said that Butch liked me and thought I was cool, so 1 friend down, a few more to go.  Sunday afternoon, after my nap, we went to the mall shopping for new Teva’s, since he kept losing his tubing, but we couldn’t find any, so  we went to the bookstore.  We must have been in there about 45 minutes.  It’s cool, he likes bookstores too!

August 31st - September 6th
The long weekend...I’ve slowly started to revert back to my crazy ways, I have to stop thinking about the concept of US constantly, it just makes me worry.  This weekend we spent just laying around and watching football.  Nice and relaxing.  But I began to get stubborn, because I had been always going over to his house and he was not coming over, so I went on strike and this is when my craziness hit. Rob had Friday off, so we went out Thursday night to see Flathead at Long Wong’s and silly him, drank a little much and in the middle of the night went to sleep in the living room?  He asked if I would call him to wake him so he could start his day off instead of just sitting around all day.  He did come and meet me for lunch and then we went shopping at the Shoe Mill for his Teva’s.   We did go out for happy hour with people from work to Four Peak’s and Karina, Kathleen and Nassar met Rob.  Then we went out to Mr. Bolo’s to see Geneally’s husband’s band play.  This was cool, EBY people remembered me and I was in, so why in the world am I worrying?

September 7th - September 13th

This is the week I went on strike.  I refused to go to Rob’s because for the past 2 weeks, I had spent from Thursday to Sunday nights at his house.  Finally Thursday came around and he asked if I wanted company since I wasn’t about to invite him over.  I told him that I didn’t want to impose on his time and he told me that he did not want to just invite himself over and impose on me.  We broke the bed, I think it kinda embarrassed him, but we were doing well.  So this made me feel better and the strike was over, at least until tomorrow.  He had a meeting until late Friday so, Renee and I were making plans on going somewhere, the 4 of us.  But 7:30 came around and Rob called to say he was tired, with good reason, and he was going to go to Casey Moore’s with the guys from work.  So I flipped out, not to him, but after I got off the phone and since Shawn had not called, I told Renee to get dressed, were going out.  This was 8pm.  So I periodically checked the phone messages throughout the night and after 10 there were messages.  I knew they couldn’t be for me.  So Renee and I went to Anderson’s in Scottsdale and talked our man talk then we wanted to dance so we went to Rio.  Which we had a good time just dancing, not worrying about a thing.  Renee does manage to get into trouble though whenever we go out.  She had this scary guy following her around and I kept pulling her away from him, yuck.  I had finally had enough when after her shirt kept flying open for the umpteen millionth time, and the guy would not let her button up, it was time to go home.  We get there and listen to the messages from Shawn and 2 minutes later he’s pounding on the door.  Renee was happy today when her favorite catalogue came in “Adam and Eve” and she showed me the toys she had before she broke them all and Marty threw them away.  Then we showed Shawn and then he was convinced that we, Renee and I sleep together.  Oh, well....  So bright and early the next morning, Rob calls, and he tells me all about his night, how he only stayed out until around 9:30 and tried to call my cell phone and that everyone was asking where I was.  Oh I forgot to mention, after we got off the phone last night, I started to think that instead of being on strike, that I should put more effort into us.  So I called him back and invited him to dinner which I would be cooking for him Saturday.  So he calls and we talk and he tells me what he doesn’t like and then he says he’ll be over later when he gets his cleaning done. I go shopping, buying him his favorite cookies and go home. He calls around 2 to just make sure that I am home and he comes over and is just an animal.  He as soon as he gets there, he’s hugging and kissing me.  This was around 2:30, we finally got dressed around 4:30.  I had felt so uncomfortable with him before, but I just sat there with him on the couch, naked and I was fine.  I cooked dinner and he seemed to enjoy it, then we sat around drinking wine watching football and waiting to go out with Michelle and her sister.  He sometimes just sits there and I can tell he’s looking over at me.  The one time, he just sat there and stared at me, it wasn’t a kinda loving look, it was a pensive look, kinda like “what the hell am I doing???”  But he hugs and kisses me, he reaches for my hand when we’re in public, and has no problem with this.  I am leaving for a few days on business next week and he keeps wondering when I’ll be gone and for how long.  This week while I was on strike, I asked if he missed me and he just pulled me closer and kissed me and said yes, he then asked if I missed him, and I said always.  I’ve been wanting to tell him I love him all week now, but it just never seems appropriate, maybe later.

September 14th - September 20th

Well, I am not being stubborn this week, I asked him if he was coming over to visit tonight and he said yes.  I stayed at this house Sunday night and because my neck had been hurting, Renee gave me some drugs to make the pain go away, and the last pill she gave me began to kick in and he was worried that I would not want to get up the next morning, so he called the house around 7:10 to make sure I was awake.  I didn’t answer the phone, so he called me at work to make sure that I had made it in.  Wasn’t that nice.  Then he came over Monday night after I asked.  Then I went over to visit Tuesday night, because I was leaving town for Sanders on Work for the rest of the week.  It was kinda boring there, so on Thursday night I called him, cuz I was bored out of my mind.  When I finally got back Friday night, I called him and told him where I was going for happy hour and he said he’d meet me there.  But then our plans changed, so I told him I’d come over and meet him.  Well, when I got there, he missed me a lot (on the couch while Thisbee watched), so we were late getting to happy hour.  We finally made it there and Karina, Kathleen and Andy met Rob.  Then I was supposed to meet Renee, but I called her and she had no idea of her plans so we went with Karina and Kathleen to Copper Canyon in South Tempe.  We didn’t stay there long, cuz I was drunk and Rob was tired.  I did make a mistake this weekend though.  Rob kept asking or making comments about how much I make.  So I told him.  Then I really regretted it.  I knew I wasn’t making that much, but when he told me that his labourers made more than me, this kinda made me feel bad, but I just let it be.  The next morning when we were going to breakfast, and he started talking about my job again and how he was going to call Butch and make some calls to see about another job.  Then we get home and there is this week’s copy of ENR, with the 500 top firms in the country, so we started looking through there.  I know it’s just genuine concern, but I still feel bad about my job right now.  So I finally went home Sunday morning.

Sept 21st-Sept 27th

January 29, 1999
Wow, it has been a while since I’ve written, a lot

June 17, 1999