Thursday, August 12, 2010

I should be a shut in

I hate to leave the house.  It is such a chore.  You think it would be an easy task.  I live in a big city why should it matter what I look like, no one is looking at me right?  But I feel that everyone is.  I can see judgement as I pass people on the street, I can feel eyes on me as they pass.  That's why I love living in the land of endless sun, I can wear sunglasses and follow their eyes as they pass.  I much prefer hiding away in my cave, hidden away from the world.  I explore the world through the window of my computer.  Don't make me go outside. Please.  I make excuses, I insist it's someone else's fault.  My breathing starts to speed up, it kinda scares me.  I can feel the tears well up in my eyes.  My nostrils flair in an effort to hold back the tears.  What difference does it make if I cry?  I'm alone, who'll see my weakness.  I wish I could walk out that door.  My head held high.  But I can't. 

Monday, August 2, 2010

Monday's prompt

Our prompt today is to write this famous quote in your journal and write what it means to you and how it applies to your life!

It’s how you deal with failure that determines how you achieve success. – David Feherty

Failure.  It's how I feel constantly, so I guess since I don't deal with failure well, I am doomed to not be successful.
I wonder where my want to do something, my want to be somethingwent?   As morning light creeps into my bedroom, I lie in bed staring at the ceiling.  Why bother moving, getting up, or leaving the bed, the day will go on without me.  My internet world will not miss me.  I am not a mover or shaker.  I am a bump in the road that people barely feel as they carry on with their day. 
Failure.  I despise it.  Yet I fear it as well.  It keeps me gripped in a constant panic.  A constant silence that is deafining to my ears.  I roll over and put the pillows over my ears to try and keep the roar of it out. 
Failure.  Failure. Failure. Failure.  I cannot move past it.