Sunday, March 28, 2010

backstory Crystyn

This sucks. I have become my mother and it is a terrible terrible thing. I guess it's not too awful a prospect, but if I had to think about it I never really felt proud of my mother. Well I felt proud of her in the respect that she finished college got a job and took care of me, but as far as life goes, I kinda feel as if she was cheated somehow. I think of her life and she has always lived in her little town, rarely venturing out, and cringing when she did have to drive in the "big city" which really wasn't big at all. There was no major freeway, most roads were a few lanes wide. Nothing like the massive interchanges in New York or Los Angeles. I have become her, because there are maneurism that I do, things that I say, are exactly like her. So when the whole nature vs. nuture thing comes up, or dna vs. environment. I'm going enviroment all the way. I have someone who loves me, but what does his think our relationship is supposed to me. Me I see it as an extension of what my parents have and I never wanted that. I wanted someone who loved me unconditionally and would support my crazy ventures and participate and tell me they love me and help me creatively and write me little notes and surprise me with things I like and pay attention when I say something. Instead I get the nagging feeling that makes me cry when I think I have to yell at someone for their drinking. At the cringing I feel when I'm out in public and the humiliation I feel when I get home and he's hiccuping and is nothing but dead weight. I recall watching my mother nag after my father for his late nights at the bar. And it is exactly how I feel, but doubly worst. I hate that he is making me feel this way. He is making me act like my mother. Well stop it you say. Really? How am I to handle this? It's no wonder when I drink that I run away, I do reckless things, have drama in my life. Fine he loves me and shrugs it off. I want to be held, I want to be caressed, I want him to take my face in his hands and look deeply into my eyes. But if he did this, I would burst out laughing, it would certainly stop the tears. It's too late to try and do that, it's too late to try and be the romantic. I would feel awkward and uncomfortable. Yes, then I would most certainly need a drink just to get through it. I remember as a child watching my mother and telling her what to do and to just fuck him, who cares. But when all is said and done, you can't. It's almost like your trapped. The worst part about it is that I hate him for making me feel like this and I hate myself for allowing him to make me feel this way. But what else am I supposed to do? How else am I supposed to feel? If I ignore it, it won't go away. If I make a comment about it, it changes for a second, but in the next the behavior is the same. I've cried, I've yelled, I've quit, but it does not good. You're trapped. You have no place to got. Sure I could leave, but selfishly I stay. What else am I supposed to do? Where else am I supposed to go? I stay trapped in my little corner of the world trying to escape to nothing. I fall deeper and deeper into my hell. I've been here ten years. I can't remember what it was like. I can only imagine it. I don't think we've changed that much. Slivers of those people exist sometimes. Who was I then? I want to be her again. I want to live with abandon and a don't give a fuck, laissez-faire attitude. I want to be me at 8. I think that was my perfect age. No cares, no questioning, no self-censoring. Can I find that child again? Can I find who I used to be? When did I start caring so much about the outside world? When did my ego become so big as to think the world is constantly thinking of me and that I'm on someone's google watch list. That someone other than me cares what the hell I'm doing today. What I'm posting about online, what I look like, what I write about. In my head I have no friends so who are these invisible fans that I think I have? Who is this cyberstalker that follows my every move?