Saturday, April 11, 2009

Ugh

It's another of those days. I can't recall the last time I've actually sat down to write. After the last class, which was March 26 (3 weeks ago) I left inspired and encouraged and now I am defeated and lost. Too much introspection and self-pity. Party of one. I sit in here in the ultimate cliche, who am I, why am I here? I never thought that that would be me. But now thoughts of why even bother enter my head. The other day, after sitting around in my pjs all day working from home. I finally through some clothes on (not much effort taken) and went out as I had a meeting to get to in an hour and a half. Since I had a drive ahead of me, and my car had been stalling lately, I went to the Oil Change Place, who out of respect for their INCOMPETENCE, I will not name them. I will only say that they are located at the corner of Buena Vista and Olive. They are supposed to be quick lube places, in and out in 15 minutes. Yeah right! 3:56 PM, meeting starts at 4PM with a 20 minute drive in rush hour traffic, I drove into the place at 2:54 PM. Here I am worried about some stupid job that I despise. I have been on my own working freelance since October of 2007. At that time I thought it would be the coolest. I could focus on my acting career, I would get in shape and exercise every day, my house would be the cleanest thing around...and everything else you imagine you would do with your perfect day. Well here I am 18 months later no further along in my career. Actually I am further in the dumps that I was before. I get my usual 1 big audition a year, but now, I'm not even in class and have become complacent about it, 200 emails fill my inbox for auditions and I have no ambition to submit myself and I'm questioning when you stop wanting to be an actor and start being real.
And then there's the bullshit about my whole existential crisis. Why am here? and what's the point of it all? Hence the Ugh!