Thursday, April 23, 2009

Class notes

how do they not view me as a threat?
do I wish they thought I was a threat? when do I want it and when don't

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Searching for Hiawatha

Native American, Indian, American Indian. I want to be Indian. I am. I have papers to prove it.

I am a card carrying of the Missisaugi First Nation. 80% Indian in fact. But what does that mean? To mean it means everything and nothing at all. I didn't grow up on the rez. I really didn't grow up with all the traditions then eigher. I knew a few words in Ojibew, enough for me to say "Hello pig!" but what do you want, I was only 5.
Growing up I didn't think I was different. My parent were young when I was born and my grandmother raised me. She was french Canadian so I went to french school. Looking backing at my school picutres I am the little brown one in the back. But never was I considered different.

As a child I would go to the pow wows, because with my father being a new artist, he took advantage of any venue he could to display his wares. Ths was the only exposure to my culutre I had. Now I walk around with a self-rightchious chip on my shoulder at anyone proclaiming their indianess to me. "Reaaly I say" as I wait for the typical answer. Everyone in California is Cherokee. Since I don't know much about American History, it just makes sense that most are, but most don't know their history except that they are.

I feel like a hypocrite though most days. Walking around passing judgement flashing my card to all those wannabees. But then when they ask me about my people, I nothing to say but "Hello Pig".

I want to know who I am and where my people are.

Things to explore:
  • Everyone is more indian than me
  • describe pow-wows
  • describe my father's art, describe use visual his art
  • describe what the difference is between being indian and not white people don't get it
  • find the question that I missed, is it my pride? or my search?
  • How do you choose your identity and what makes you do it?
  • Incorporate the song "one little, two little, three little indians...."

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Ugh

It's another of those days. I can't recall the last time I've actually sat down to write. After the last class, which was March 26 (3 weeks ago) I left inspired and encouraged and now I am defeated and lost. Too much introspection and self-pity. Party of one. I sit in here in the ultimate cliche, who am I, why am I here? I never thought that that would be me. But now thoughts of why even bother enter my head. The other day, after sitting around in my pjs all day working from home. I finally through some clothes on (not much effort taken) and went out as I had a meeting to get to in an hour and a half. Since I had a drive ahead of me, and my car had been stalling lately, I went to the Oil Change Place, who out of respect for their INCOMPETENCE, I will not name them. I will only say that they are located at the corner of Buena Vista and Olive. They are supposed to be quick lube places, in and out in 15 minutes. Yeah right! 3:56 PM, meeting starts at 4PM with a 20 minute drive in rush hour traffic, I drove into the place at 2:54 PM. Here I am worried about some stupid job that I despise. I have been on my own working freelance since October of 2007. At that time I thought it would be the coolest. I could focus on my acting career, I would get in shape and exercise every day, my house would be the cleanest thing around...and everything else you imagine you would do with your perfect day. Well here I am 18 months later no further along in my career. Actually I am further in the dumps that I was before. I get my usual 1 big audition a year, but now, I'm not even in class and have become complacent about it, 200 emails fill my inbox for auditions and I have no ambition to submit myself and I'm questioning when you stop wanting to be an actor and start being real.
And then there's the bullshit about my whole existential crisis. Why am here? and what's the point of it all? Hence the Ugh!