Sunday, October 26, 2008

Who was I?

what to do, what to do. I am so lost in what to do with my life. I feel like I just driving around in circles in the parking lot looking for a parking spot. This has been such a sad day, I wish I could be cold heartless bitch who only thinks of herself and all would be well in my world. Maybe I am being selfish by being so sad and lost in my own world, always sucking up to someone hoping someone will help me out. I don't think it's sucking up in the sense of the wanting something from the other person to further my career. I just want someone to like me, to love me. Again I try to find when I lost all confidence in myself. Perhaps it where I live, where everyone has to be pretty, where you are judge the moment you walk in the door. I don't think I'm pretty.
I remember the first time I met him and he told me I was pretty. Why would you lie to someone like that? I know the truth about you, you tell every girl with low self esteem how pretty they are. I'm glad I didn't believe you when you told me. I'm on to you and your new age hippy crap. Why do you have to care so much, it makes me cry. But then to figure out why you tell people crap.
I just want to be who I used to be. I wasn't the one who sat back in the corner, I was brave, fearless and didn't care what people thought. Ok, I may have cared but I didn't let it bother me. During that same time though I was also the side kick. You know the archetype, you've seen the movie. Pretty girl and either a)plump girl, 2)homely girl, 3)girl with no style...the list goes on in every high school around the country, whichever it was I was the other girl. I was sporty, people who knew I was, but it was never overt, I got to go to all the parties. How do I figure out how to be that person again. She was strong, she knew what she wanted, nothing would stand in her way. Sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities, b/c those people are yammering in my head.