Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A love letter?

To whom it may concern,

Well my love, here we are at last, I never thought it would come to this. After all this time together, everything is lost, everything has changed. When we met I never thought of how we would spend our lifetime together, I just knew when you proposed that it would be. Sure there would be bad days, but we would endure. How do you spend a lifetime together? You laugh, you enjoy your time together, you talk. Ooops, missed one.

I am writing you a letter so you will actually know what is wrong. I find this a disturbing option and quite a sad state of us. I wish we could talk about things that really matter as opposed to the ridiculousness of day to day affairs. I used to care, but now not so much. Sure it hurts my feelings when you don't listen and you get lost in something else other than me, but I don't care anymore. We have been together all this time and you don't know the simplest things about me, or at least it seems that way to me. I don't really think I know you either. How sad is that? I mind as well just sit in the other room, maybe you can text me and tell me about it, it would be a start. What hurts the most, after the Big Mac incident was this weekend when you told me about the other project you were no longer working on. That's when I realized the absurdity of all this. I feel I have become what I was sure I would not, a stranger in my own home.

I have become what I have worried about becoming, a cliche. Now lets think of that for a moment, a "cliche is a phrase, expression, or idea that has been overused to the point of losing its intended force or novelty, especially when at some time it was considered distinctively forceful or novel. The term is most likely to be used in a negative context. It is frequently used in modern culture to reference an action or idea that is expected or predictable based on a prior event." But when is it no longer cliche if it occurs all the time, is not then the norm, what is to be expected?

My life is now what inevitably what becomes of others, be it said or not. So that is why it is still cliche? I am worn down, I don't care, I don't want to try anymore, it's too much work. Maybe that's why I have no ambition to carry on with anything anymore. To find a new career, take a class, help a cause. When I was little, although the perfect child that I was having a content life, I always wanted to run away, life on the road seemed romantic when portrayed in the movies. The runaway was always rescued by sad people in the end who missed them terribly and they end up living happily ever after. Thoughts of running away escalated later in life, to become a want to just not go on, to let the earth just take me away, to just float off into the sunset. I always thought of that as a selfish option, but really is it? Selfish because the person wanting to end it is only thinking of themselves and not thinking of the mess they are leaving behind. Check me out, still caring what others think of me in death. That is messed up, I am messed up. I just want to run away from it all, hide under a rock, just be alone, it's safer. No one to please, just me.